I must admit I am slightly relieved there will be no more updates simply because my Roman numeral counting is somewhat limited, and we were getting close to having to change headlines. It’s a little like Spanish. I count really loud and strong, right up to about ocho, and then I start trailing off and mumbling. Major thanks to Brett for taking time to update us while on vacation. He did a great job. Enough stalling, here is Brett’s final report:

Bulldog Tennis, Spam Jam, and Signing Off Indefinitely 

So I can take a hint.  Cut the useless crap and entertaining sidebars that only I find humorous and get to the task at hand. 

Here goes:

BULLDOG TENNIS:

Today was a very special day.  I watched perhaps the most thrilling, edge of your seat, emotionally draining tennis match I’ve ever seen.  I have been blessed to witness some unforgettable moments in matches (Pete Sampras’ regurgitation in the US Open, Jana Novotna’s total collapse at Wimbledon, and the stabbing of Monica Seles to name but a few) on television.  I’m sure many of you have seen those as well. Additionally, I’ve had the good fortune of traveling to several professional events and seen many of the greats of the game in person.  What I can tell you that you will find challenging to believe is that today’s women’s championship match will go down in my book as the one to top.  I know, I know, it was only a day or two ago I was painting a picture of the Bulldogs sleepwalking through the WAC Tournament on their way to an eighth consecutive title.  What I didn’t account for was a group of gritty and determined fighters from Boise.

The match began with little more than a yawn as Anastasia Petukhova and partner Renata Kucerkova once again breezed through their match to get the Bulldogs rolling.  Melanie Gloria and Tinesta Rowe quickly followed suit and the Bulldogs were on the board with what would turn out to be the most critical point of the day for the Dogs. 

You see, the Broncos decided it was their turn to carry the hardware home and came out of the gates in singles action like a Diamond Head eruption at its height of its storied destruction.  In less than an hour, those unbeatable Bulldogs appeared to be limping to a fate that was unimaginable.  The Broncos took first set leads in five of the six singles matches.  More importantly, mainstays and nationally ranked players Melanie Gloria and Anastasia Petukhova were among the casualties of the slow start. Boise rolled on to straight set wins at #4 and #6 singles to take a 2-1.  The lead was brief as Renata Kucerkova evened the match with a straight set win of her own.  Next to finish was the upset of the day and the tournament as top Dog Melanie Gloria fell at the number one spot.  The Broncos now had a 3-2 lead and were leading in the third set on both courts still in play.  The cheers from the heavily supported Boise State backers.

While it was much closer than expected and both team efforts should be regarded with great respect, once again the Bulldogs proved they are the team to beat and a contender on the national scene. 

*Okay, so I can’t resist the sidebar.  A note to those who plan on spending seven hours in the sun for an outdoor tennis match.  Please realize the sun is a damaging little thing.  If there was any doubt which team I was supporting, the color of my follicly challenged scalp proved I was Bulldog RED! 

SPAM JAM:

 While walking from the team hotel back to mine, I had the great privilege of meandering through the 2009 Spam Jam.  While early reports expected crowds of 8,000, this year’s event far exceeded all others to the tune of 10,000+ visitors and 200+ vendors.  Live on-stage entertainment was provided at each end of the strip with various booths crammed like sardines (different type of canned meat, but too resisting not to make the association).  If you live in a box and have never heard of Spam, I’m told it is a delicacy to the residents of Hawaii.  More of the product is consumed here per capita than any other place in the world.  I’ve never been big on trying this canned meat product and even though I was minutely tempted while enthralled in the moment, I managed to remain Spam free.  I’m hoping that statement will not preclude me from ever becoming considered for a job in the profession.

Since I didn’t have the courage to actually try any of the recipes, I can’t tell you my favorite Spam item.  Instead, I have decided to give you my top four that, if forced, I would have selected.  They come from four of my favorite restaurants here on the island (granted three of them appear on the mainland as well). 

#1:  Margaritaville -  This Jimmy Buffett restaurant is one of my favorites and the menu item they offered was actually my favorite appetizer, the Volcano Nachos.  For the Spam Jam, they substituted their normal chili and made an offering that was created with Spam chili.  This was the closest I came to considering a taste. 

#2:  Duke’s – A favorite of the team and staff when we travel here each year, I’ve always been a huge fan!  We annually feast on my favorite breakfast of the entire season when the Bulldogs take on the Wahine.  Spam fried rice was the menu choice for this establishment.  It actually looked quite tasty although you really couldn’t put your finger on what the brown chunks were supposed to be in the rice. 

#3:  Cheeseburger in Paradise – This is another mainstay on each trip to Honolulu.  It serves as the postgame meal for the Bulldog women’s basketball team yearly.  My favorite is the Teriyaki cheeseburger with swiss and cheddar cheeses.  Delicious!  Spam sliders were served up faster than they could make them.  This booth had the largest line while I was there.

#4:  PF Chang’s:  I’m almost embarrassed to include this one since they are so present on the mainland.  I’ve only tried one appetizer at this chain and again, it proved to be the menu item dispersed last night.  Spam lettuce wraps were probably the second favorite item of the people I saw.   

SIGNING OFF:

So this is it.  My last entry.  My career as a journalist (let me pretend) is drawing to an end.  Here are my final thoughts:

I now realize that my dream of becoming the next Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, or Matt James is beyond my reach.  Although I’ve attempted to give a valiant effort . . . my wit, imagination, and keyboard have all failed me miserably. 

I would like to thank my boss, Mr. James, my parents, and my family and friends that always believed in me and my abilities.  Oklahoma Bud, my Jack Russell terrier, who taught me patience, Fresno State who took a chance on a unknown guy with a big heart, and, of course, the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz who showed me that you don’t necessarily have to have a brain to make it big in Oz. 

My favorite song of all-time is a Jimmy Buffett number called “A Pirate Looks at Forty.”  My favorite line in that song states, “. . . after all my years I’ve found, my occupational hazard being, my occupation’s just not around.”

So while I don’t know what my occupation truly may be, I can officially eliminate award-winning writer/blogger from the mix. In the meantime, I’ll continue my search for that career which will afford me financial independence and island living!

To remain consistent with previous offerings, I’ll give me global goodbye . . .

Auf Wiedersehen!

BFrank

 

First off, Brett’s career as a writer is far from finished. We will definitely bleed him for free labor in the future. And no matter what he says, he did a fine job. I would brag him up further, but I’m too distracted by the fact that he almost ate SPAM. Let’s be honest, it tastes the opposite of good. Is there a worst PR job in America than trying to market SPAM? Because of a Monty Python sketch, your product now has the same name as one of the most annoying, hated objects on earth, the unsolicited email. Oh, and there is also the fact that your product tastes awful. There are really two main areas that can ruin a food, taste and texture, and SPAM is one of those rare foods that actually fails both*. Say you were on a deserted island for seven or eight days, tired and cold and soaked. You have cuts on your hands and feet from climbing rocks and searching through the forest for berries or maybe the dead carcass of a bird. You’re drinking rain water from puddles. So my question is, if you came upon a case of SPAM from a shipwreck or maybe a flight crew who decided to lighten the load by tossing out the most disgusting thing onboard, how long would you search the rest of the island before you caved and ate the SPAM. I’m saying at least two extra days.

*Other texture/taste combination failures: cooked spinach, cooked cabbage, seared ahi tuna. I realize there are far more disgusting things eaten in this world than ahi tuna, which a lot of people really like. I probably should have just listed Sashimi, the more generic term for raw fish, but I have an ahi tuna story. Being from Kansas, you probably assume that pork chops with a cream sauce qualifies as exotic, but I like sushi rolls and love all sorts of seafood. I’m just saying, if you have a nice piece of halibut that will be quite tasty cooked, or just somewhat tolerable raw, why choose Door B? As Roy McAvoy asks his therapist in “Tin Cup,” “What would possess the guy standing on the shore to swim for it?” What possesses a person to eat the fish raw? You have a pan and a stove and a couple extra minutes. I’ve lost too much sleep about this already. Oh, yes, the ahi tuna story. The first time I ordered it at a restaurant, I wasn’t aware of the raw factor, so I ate the vegetables and noodles, took the tuna home and cooked it myself. Someone alert Jeff Foxworthy. We may have some material for him.

The official spelling of SPAM is all capital letters, but I’m having trouble finding an official ruling as to whether it’s an acronym or not. I used to live within driving distance of the SPAM museum in Austin, Minn., but could never build up the courage to go. I’ve read a couple places the original name was an acronym based on the main incredients: “Shoulder of Pork and Ham.” The ones people make up are much more fun: ”Something Posing As Meat.” “Spare Parts Animal Meat.”

Let’s try a couple of our own …

 - Some People Accept as Meat

- Served Proudly Alongside Meds

- Slimy Parts Are Memorable

That’s all I can come with on short notice. Another thanks to Brett. And thank you to you for coming along on his trip. Do not try the in-flight meal.

Brett Frank, our Fresno State tennis correspondent in Hawaii, is now reporting on food. And TV shows. He’s whiplashing from one subject to another. He’s using asterisks to insert useless information. In short, he’s stealing my act.

TV shows and food and useless information are the foundation of this web site, which was built all those dozens and dozens of hours ago. ‘Frank’ly, pun intended, it looks like a hostile takeover. But, he’s darn entertaining, so I think we should see how it plays out. If you come back in a week and the site re-routes you to BrettFrankBlog.com, you’ll know what happened.

Here’s his latest post, with a little art (see, I’ve already been relegated to guy-who-finds-pictures-on-the-web) …

Puka Dogs, Survivor, NBA Playoffs,

and Bulldog Tennis Aloha!

Day 3 is officially here and well, hmmm . . . Where to begin? I think today we’ll try a different format. Let’s do topics.

1. PUKA DOGS: These amazing little concoctions are a food lover’s dream! I’m told by the locals that the word puka means “hole.” Basically, these heaven sent delicacies are hot dogs that are placed into a bun that has a hole in the middle. For lack of a better visual, close your eyes and imagine giant sized “pigs-in-blankets” with one end still enclosed. Unfortunately, there is no adequate description for the way they electrify my taste buds. You see, these are not your typical dogs. There are basically four different decisions you will need to make while ordering your first puka dog. You will need to decide your favorite type of dog, condiment, relish type, and sauce. Trust me, this is not as easy as it seems. To the best of my knowledge, there is no basic mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup or relish on site. Instead, they have poured tastes of the island in the puka before inserting that all too familiar hot dog. For instance, I ordered the lilikoi mustard, sweet onion relish, ja lapeño dog. If it seems confusing, let me elaborate. Here’s how the process works: Step 1: Would you like a polish sausage or veggie dog? Step 2: Which garlic lemon sauce do you prefer? The options are mild, spicy (jalapeño),chili pepper, or habanero. Step 3: Which tropical relish floats your boat? Mango, coconut, pineapple, banana, papaya, star fruit, or sweet onion teriyaki. Finally, we come to Step 4: What kind of condiment do you prefer? The basics are lilikoi mustard or guava. You add all these together and you get an incomparable taste! For all you doubters out there please refer to Anthony Bourdain (Travel Channel) or Susie Brown (Food Network) who have seen this establishment showcased on their respective networks. I swear on all things holy, you must give it a whirl!

 

*this is not a note from Matt: While I know the new standard rule for Matt inserting his own footnotes for the blog was the symbol I just used, I will go on to say that Spicy, Lilikoi mustard with papaya is the current all-time most ordered favorite of Puka Dog. Both employee’s agreed that Spicy & Lilikoi were the way to go although the argument perused between sweet onion or star fruit. After sampling all options, I’m not willing to change my order.

2. SURVIVOR: So let’s call a spade a spade. I am a “Survivor” geek. I’ve somehow managed to follow every season of this so called reality television show. While some of my more memorable favorites (Johnny Dangerous, Rob and Amber, Sue Hawk, the bus driver, old man Rudy, Rupert, and Parvati) have provided hours of entertainment, I now have a new character that is amazingly memorable and uncontrollably irritable. He goes by the name “Coach” and his stories of escaping pygmy tribes, self proclaiming himself as the Dragon-Slayer and morning meditations have my nerves on edge. Can someone please get rid of this guy! He actually suggested to Sierra, a fellow contestant, that she dive on her own Samurai sword to leave the game in a noble fashion. Seriously, who is this guy??? It did bring a smile to my face to see a vital member of his “Warrior Alliance” blind-sided at last night’s tribal council. At some point in time, I’m hoping they take a page from the American Idol playbook and decide to let America have a say in who gets knocked off.

3. NBA PLAYOFFS: I’ve got to give some love to my Dallas Mavericks. What a great win after an embarrassing Monday night performance. I’m still hopeful Dirk and the boys have some magic left in them for one more playoff run. Let’s face it, they’re not getting any younger (if ever referred to again, this series will officially be referred to as the “Geriatric Games”) and it seems as if this may be their last hurrah.

4. BULLDOG TENNIS: So the clouds were heavy and the rain was falling sporadically throughout the day. That said, in roughly the same amount of time it took me to walk to Puka Dog, enjoy my meal, and then return to my point of origin, the Bulldogs disposed of San Jose State. With rain as the theme of the day, the Bulldog play on the court reminded me of a cumulus cloud. Those are the ones that seem to completely cover the sky in a thick rolling fashion. They closely resembled those spread out blankets in the from above when they first entered the UH Tennis Complex. The reaction from the other seven remaining teams was the same as you would expect to see a from a tourist who traveled to Hawaii expecting to enjoy the sun on an extended weekend vacation for the WAC Tournament. I say that partly in jest, but I figure it’s a way to get my point across. Consecutive 8-0 wins in doubles action combined with 6-0, 6-0 wins by Melanie Gloria and Renata Kucerkova and a 6-1,6-0 exclamation mark by Laura Pola had the Bulldogs off the courts in right at 75 minutes. The men team will take the court tomorrow for their initial appearance as quarterfinal action begins for the second seeded Bulldogs.

In hopes to remain consistently new and refreshing, and to irritate my new boss Mr. James, I’ll sign off with a simple “Do svi danya”

BFrank

This is a good reminder that I need to catch up on “Survivor.” It’s been too long since I cared about that show. I honestly haven’t watched since Rob and Amber got married, and speaking of, is it just me or have they already blown right through the over-under on how long those nuptials would last.

Seriously, if you buy a gift for a wedding whose participants met on a reality show, you might as well staple the receipt to the box. So kudos to Rob and Amber. I’m just imagining they opened a lot of gifts that cost less than $20.

Puka Dogs apprently inspired Brett to swear on all things holy, and that’s big. Lots of stuff is holy. Not to overstate it, but it looks like a food that could change your life. Or at least your afternoon.

But seriously, Hawaiian standard time is based on – as well all know – the mean solar time of the 150th meridian west of the Greenwich Observatory. As you can see, I’ve gotten really good at copying and pasting. If I had to guess, I’d say the problem is offshore ripples in the space time continuum. Frankly, I think this is what happened to Amelia Earhart. Whatever the reason, there is no daylight savings time in Hawaii, so during the winter, it’s two hours earlier in Hawaii than in California. And from March to November, it’s three hours earlier. 

To clarify, it’s now 3:14 p.m. in Fresno and 12:14 p.m. in Honolulu, where the WAC Tennis Tournament was supposed to begin this morning. To explain what’s going on, here’s our second installment from action reporter Brett Frank, who so far has been worth every penny this blog is paying him …

Aloha!

So maybe the karma gods were paying attention to my smugness as I typed away last night.  With a combination smirk and smile, I patted at my keyboard basking in the thought of all those jealous people who may be reading my entries.  A touch of jet-lag set in (my arrival in Hawaii accounted for 12,726 airline miles since April 3rd) and after a quiet evening (notice “quiet” as opposed to “quite” which would have an entire other meaning), I rested my head on my pillow and prepared for a full day of fun and sun.   

BAM!!! (or any other Batman TV series word you would like to insert . . . i.e. Smack! Pow! Zikes!*, etc.)

The day of fun and sun has been delayed.  Rainfall has taken over the island and left this guy about as anxious to get out of the cage as a bull at the Clovis Rodeo.  By the way, we Okies put the emphasis on the first “o,” something that I haven’t quite become accustomed to in California dialect. 

As the first match has been delayed, I’m now forced to wait until early match play gets started to report on the tennis action.  Fresno State will play the winner of the opening match-up featuring San Jose State and Louisiana Tech.  In the meantime, I’m planning a trip to Puka Dog.  It’s an out of the way hole in the wall joint that will knock your socks off!  Be sure and read my future updates as I feel this eating establishment merits its own entry.  I hate to leave any of the intricacies out, so I will conduct hands-on research and post a detailed report later. 

Ciao for now,

B Frank 

If I’m not mistaken, B. Frank went a little Italian on us there. He’s versatile. What can I say, the blog only hires the best. And I, for one, am far more excited about a hands-on report from a restaurant known as the “Puka Dog” than I am about tennis. Until then, it’s all rain, all the time. Isn’t that always the way? Plan a Hawaii trip and it pours the entire time and then that’s all you can talk about for the next six weeks after you get back, until your friends finally clench their fists and mutter, “Hey, scumbag. Talk about how dreadful Hawaii was one more time and see what happens.”

*I’m not exactly sure how to enter asterisks into Brett’s reports because it could be confusing, but I’m going to do it anyway. From here on out, all asterisks are going to be footnotes to my comments. My favorite one-word exclamation from a TV show will always be “Zoinks!” That’s of course what Shaggy used to say all the time on “Scooby-Doo,” right before he ran from a ghost or monster or baby mama. Just kidding about that last one. (Added bonus information: Shaggy’s full name was Norville Rogers.) No one’s claiming to be Vin Scully here, but we’re doing what the great ones have always done, filling a rain delay with extra tidbits.

With that in mind, the blog proudly presents something completely fun and unexpected: We have a correspondent! I was as schocked as you are. His name is Brett Frank, an assistant coach for the Fresno State women’s basketball team. More importanly, one of the 10 coolest people you’ll ever get to meet. OK, chances are you won’t get to meet him, but I have, and you should be jealous. He’s single-handedly changed my thoughts about people from Oklahoma.

I should probably tell you that Brett is the lead assistant for the Fresno State women’s basketball team, one of those facts you probably didn’t need to know, and one he would certainly never mention. Ever. But that’s who he is. He doesn’t take himself too seriously, unlike 95 percent of college coaches and Skip Bayless*. Brett once held a little gathering at his house and announced that everyone should watch out for his sliding glass door. And later in the evening, he walked right into it.

*Never actually spoken to Skip, but even by sports-columnist-turned-ESPN-talking-heads standards go, he seems pretty pompous. On a semi-related note, I met Woody Paige at a press box in Albuquerque, N.M. OK, I didn’t meet him. As I passed by, he tried to hand me his ballot for New Mexico Bowl MVP. When he realized I was a fellow columnist, he came by my seat to apologize. Very nice of him. That’s the end of the Woody Paige story.

So you’re probably wondering, What will this Brett Frank be corresponding? Good question. Before this site meets its inevitable demise, hopefully lots of stuff. He’ll be our roving correspondent. For now, he’s at the Western Athletic Conference tennis tournament in Hawaii. For those of you who are unaware of the WAC, the schools are Fresno State, Hawaii, San Jose State, Boise State, Louisiana Tech, New Mexico State, Idaho, Utah State and Nevada. Since the home office of this blog is in Fresno and its written by a sports columnist, we’re going to have more than our share of Fresno State sports news. Bear with us.

The tournament starts this afternoon (Thursday) in Hawaii. This is Brett’s initial report. He was polite enough not to rub it in by mentioning umbrella drinks. Before his next post, I’ll try to find a picture of Brett and figure out the time difference on the Islands. Here ya go:

Aloha!

 After an early morning trek which afforded me the opportunity to appreciate Fresno rush hour traffic (or lack thereof), I arrived at LAX around 8:30 a.m.  Surprisingly, the lines proved to be sparse and security was a breeze at this usually packed airport.  I made my way to gate 46A and off I went. 

If the introductory greeting has not yet sunk in, I’m currently typing this while pool side in Honolulu, HI.  I have the great fortune of being able to soak in the rays while attending a historic event.  No, not the Spam Jam scheduled to attract over 8000 visitors to Waikiki this weekend, but rather the 2009 WAC Tennis Tournament being held at the UH Tennis Complex.  Why historic?  One of the greatest successes within the Fresno State Athletic Department will be attempting to defend their title and add to a legacy of greatness.  You read correctly.  Tennis.  While we are all aware of the great successes of many of our sports, this sometimes undervalued, unappreciated sport has been making a name for the Bulldogs on the national scene for quite sometime. 

To simply call the Fresno State Women’s Tennis team a dynasty is like referring to Barack Obama merely as a politician.  This amazing group of young ladies will be attempting to bring the championship trophy back to Fresno State for the 8th consecutive year.   They have dominated their competition in a manner that is unparalleled.  As impressive as it may seem fielding the current nationally #1 ranked doubles tandem of Anastasia Petukhova and Renata Kucerkova and defending national runners-up and currently ranked #13 duo of Melanie Gloria and Tinesta Rowe, their stellar singles play throughout the conference season is beyond remarkable!  The previous 4 mentioned along with Freshman sensation Laura Pola have swept through the conference season without a blemish on their singles record!   

For those not particularly familiar with the college tennis scoring system, a match consists of a possible 7 points.  Each team fields 3 doubles pairs.  A sweep or a victory margin of 2 to 1 grants an overall “point” to the winning team.  Following doubles, each team fields 6 singles players with the victor of each match earning an additional “point” to the overall score.  It takes 4 points to earn an overall team victory for the match.  How did the Bulldogs fare?  They managed to impose their will on WAC opponents to the tune of a 54-2 discrepancy out of 56 possible “points.” 

If you have not had an opportunity to see them in action, I truly feel you are missing out on something very special!  Coach Simon Thibodeau and his assistant Laura Gordon are simply remarkable and may be two of the most dynamic young coaches in all the NCAA.  Bulldog Women’s Tennis is something we should all be very proud of and consider ourselves fortunate to have in our community.  I hope all you Red Wave faithful out there will continue to follow the action throughout the weekend as I will be updating the tournament as it goes.  Take care and have a BULLDOG day!

Brett Frank

 

OK, so there ya go. More than you’d ever need to know about WAC tennis. And some bonus information on “Spam Jam,” which I had never heard of. Must be cool if 8,000 people are going. Brett got a little heavy on the Fresno State rhetoric there toward the end. You can have a ”Bulldog Day” if you feel like it.  The blog* doesn’t care either way.

*The opinions expressed by Brett Frank in his correspondent reporting are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the positions MattJamesBlog.com and its subsidiaries. OK, there are no subsidiaries, but there could be someday.

Brett’s right though, the Fresno State women’s tennis team has been beating the rest of the WAC like it was the side of a blurry TV for years now. If it weren’t for one of its players leaving the team at winter break and returning to South Africa, the Bulldogs would be a serious national title contender. They’re still a long shot.

That’s all for now. Stay tuned. Scores and first-hand reporting from today’s action are coming soon. Now when someone asks you what you did today you can say, “Great question! I learned the intricacies of the Western Athletic Conference’s tennis scoring system.” Hey, this blog only promised to be informative. No one ever said you’d actually want the information.

“After reading several of your things, and I’ve been reading them for several years here, I think you oughta move out of town at the first chance you get. And stay out of town. Maybe go back to, I don’t know, are you from Nebraska somewhere? Write about the corn fields over in Iowa or something. I think you’d be better at that because I don’t like what you’re writing. … I’m unhappy with your insinuations. I’ll start a drive if you need money to get out of town. So just let me know.”

- guy who gave only his last name

At least you know where he stands. On my neck. You can’t help but appreciate that level of honesty. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I get these kind of emails and phone calls now and then. It’s part of the sports columnist gig, and believe me, it’s well worth the trade-off. I had irked some Fresno State fans and their baseball coach with a column Sunday, which I honestly didn’t think was anything to get that upset about, but I’m not going to tell anyone what to think. But this reader started his message by introducing himself as an “ex-fan of Fresno State” and saying he didn’t even like the coach in question, and then spoke the previous quote. Huh?

I was completely thrown off. I wasn’t necessarily expecting him to agree with everything I’d said, but I was NOWHERE NEAR ready for him to start a fundraising drive to move me two time zones away. And he sounded sincere. A lot of people make crazy threats and exaggerated proclamations in anger, or just to make a point, but I honestly think if I somehow found that guy, he’d have already raised a couple hundred bucks.

Here’s something else: I’m not from Nebraska, I’m from Kansas. Doesn’t matter. I mean, it does matter, in the sense that Nebraska football is a plague sent from somewhere colder than Antarctica, but not important in the sense that I can see how someone from California would mix up Kansas and Nebraska. It’s all one big wind storm. But if I did indeed move to Nebraska, why would I need to go to Iowa to write about corn fields? It’s the HUSKER State! If I was at Keira Knightley’s house would I go next door to write about a skinny woman? Perhaps it’s a reference to the Field of Dreams*. Kansas has a lot of corn and trailer parks, too. Don’t sell us short.

*I’ve been to the Field of Dreams, the movie set from the Kevin Costner movie, and it was my goal to play catch and accidentally break a window. Not that I’m a destructive person, but breaking windows is just one of those great childhood memories I have of baseball. Accidentally. Did I mention accidentally? It seems like no matter who I was playing catch with growing up, I was always standing in front of a massive plate-glass window and my glove had a big hole in it. Anyway, I didn’t break any windows in Iowa. I really didn’t want to break anything, it was something I wanted to talk about ad nauseum, but when we got there, we found out that two different farmers were in a dispute over the field and it had basically been divided into two different museums. Can you imagine that? People arguing over the Field of Dreams? It’s like pushing someone out of the way to get a better view of a rainbow. It just doesn’t make sense.

OK, I realize I’ve now wasted 600 words on a voicemail that could easily have been one of my uncles pranking me, but if you’d have heard the guy’s tone, you’d understand. It’s like he really thought I would take his advice and move, as if the only thing keeping me from leaving the best job I’ve ever had was a little encouragement. Or maybe discouragement. I should go into the office on Sundays just to listen to voicemails.