I love Minnesota. I really do. But it’s a strange place. And frankly, I think it has it out for me. Minnesota has produced more of my ex-girlfriends than any other state, which doesn’t make a lot of sense, because I never really spent much time there. And the three months I actually did live in Minnesota – a lovely little town called La Crescent, in an apartment complex I almost burned down in a chicken/stove-related incident – I couldn’t get a single date. The Gopher State is cruel, and I’m not just talking about the winters or the fish recipes*. Oh, but Minnesotans, the people, are absolutely great. They will definitely dump you treat you to some good ol’ fashioned hospitality. I should know promise.

Speaking of food, did you know that in Minnesota no one uses the word casserole? You might have heard everyone there refers to a casserole as “hot dish.” Same thing. Different name. Only Minnesota. OK, technically, some people in South Dakota and North Dakota say hot dish, but honestly, in the winter with the snow blowing sideways, who can really tell if they’re in North Dakota or a Minnesota?

*If anyone ever offers you “lutefisk,” shoot them in the chest with a bazooka and drive as hard as you can for the state border. No jury outside of Minnesota would convict you on a bazooka-shooting, given the circumstances. I’m telling you, community service, at most.

 Did you know there is no “Duck, Duck, Goose” in Minnesota? It’s called “Duck, Duck, Gray Duck” there, which brings up a myriad of questions, starting with, Why in the world would I use the word “myriad?” That deserves community service.

But a better question is, Why a gray duck? Are they more aggressive than regular ducks? Andy why would you run around a circle to get away from a duck? Now a goose, sure, I’d run like Prefontaine from a goose. I have. Most people have. A goose will beat you half to death with its beak before you can scream, “MY COMFORTER ISN’T EVEN DOWN!” And they’re big. Really big. They throw those massive wings out and it’s terrifying.

And an even better question is, how do the people of one state have an entirely different name for a famous childhood game than the rest of the world? I’ve never gotten a great answer to that, other than Minnesota has some quirks. This is the state famous for its 10,000 lakes, but there are actually more like 12,000 lakes in Minnesota, maybe even closer to 15,000, depending on your size requirements for lake status. Point is, what state downplays its most prestigious fact? It’s on the stinkin’ Minnesota license plate. Can you see Arizona referring to the Grand Canyon as “Our good-sized ditch?”

What I’m working toward, is the most recent Minnesota phenomenon of weirdness. I was alerted to this by a Facebook post of a meterologist named Bill Graul*. Today, at 4:25 p.m., (CDT), it was 99 degrees in Owatonna, Minn. And at the exact same time, in Duluth, Minn., it was 39 degrees. I realize it’s a big state, but that’s 60 degrees difference and those two cities are only 200 miles apart. Unless Owatonna switched to Kelvin thermometers, that’s freakish, even by Gopher State standards.

*Bill and I were once in the same bowling league. Great guy. Really good bowler. I’m guessing about a 200 average. In case you’re wondering, I was most improved bowler three years in a row in that league, which should tell you where I started. Birthday party bowler.

That’s your national weather update, for May 19, 2009. Good people of Owatonna, you might want to dig around for the jacket you put away too early. Winter is just up the road.

I must admit I am slightly relieved there will be no more updates simply because my Roman numeral counting is somewhat limited, and we were getting close to having to change headlines. It’s a little like Spanish. I count really loud and strong, right up to about ocho, and then I start trailing off and mumbling. Major thanks to Brett for taking time to update us while on vacation. He did a great job. Enough stalling, here is Brett’s final report:

Bulldog Tennis, Spam Jam, and Signing Off Indefinitely 

So I can take a hint.  Cut the useless crap and entertaining sidebars that only I find humorous and get to the task at hand. 

Here goes:

BULLDOG TENNIS:

Today was a very special day.  I watched perhaps the most thrilling, edge of your seat, emotionally draining tennis match I’ve ever seen.  I have been blessed to witness some unforgettable moments in matches (Pete Sampras’ regurgitation in the US Open, Jana Novotna’s total collapse at Wimbledon, and the stabbing of Monica Seles to name but a few) on television.  I’m sure many of you have seen those as well. Additionally, I’ve had the good fortune of traveling to several professional events and seen many of the greats of the game in person.  What I can tell you that you will find challenging to believe is that today’s women’s championship match will go down in my book as the one to top.  I know, I know, it was only a day or two ago I was painting a picture of the Bulldogs sleepwalking through the WAC Tournament on their way to an eighth consecutive title.  What I didn’t account for was a group of gritty and determined fighters from Boise.

The match began with little more than a yawn as Anastasia Petukhova and partner Renata Kucerkova once again breezed through their match to get the Bulldogs rolling.  Melanie Gloria and Tinesta Rowe quickly followed suit and the Bulldogs were on the board with what would turn out to be the most critical point of the day for the Dogs. 

You see, the Broncos decided it was their turn to carry the hardware home and came out of the gates in singles action like a Diamond Head eruption at its height of its storied destruction.  In less than an hour, those unbeatable Bulldogs appeared to be limping to a fate that was unimaginable.  The Broncos took first set leads in five of the six singles matches.  More importantly, mainstays and nationally ranked players Melanie Gloria and Anastasia Petukhova were among the casualties of the slow start. Boise rolled on to straight set wins at #4 and #6 singles to take a 2-1.  The lead was brief as Renata Kucerkova evened the match with a straight set win of her own.  Next to finish was the upset of the day and the tournament as top Dog Melanie Gloria fell at the number one spot.  The Broncos now had a 3-2 lead and were leading in the third set on both courts still in play.  The cheers from the heavily supported Boise State backers.

While it was much closer than expected and both team efforts should be regarded with great respect, once again the Bulldogs proved they are the team to beat and a contender on the national scene. 

*Okay, so I can’t resist the sidebar.  A note to those who plan on spending seven hours in the sun for an outdoor tennis match.  Please realize the sun is a damaging little thing.  If there was any doubt which team I was supporting, the color of my follicly challenged scalp proved I was Bulldog RED! 

SPAM JAM:

 While walking from the team hotel back to mine, I had the great privilege of meandering through the 2009 Spam Jam.  While early reports expected crowds of 8,000, this year’s event far exceeded all others to the tune of 10,000+ visitors and 200+ vendors.  Live on-stage entertainment was provided at each end of the strip with various booths crammed like sardines (different type of canned meat, but too resisting not to make the association).  If you live in a box and have never heard of Spam, I’m told it is a delicacy to the residents of Hawaii.  More of the product is consumed here per capita than any other place in the world.  I’ve never been big on trying this canned meat product and even though I was minutely tempted while enthralled in the moment, I managed to remain Spam free.  I’m hoping that statement will not preclude me from ever becoming considered for a job in the profession.

Since I didn’t have the courage to actually try any of the recipes, I can’t tell you my favorite Spam item.  Instead, I have decided to give you my top four that, if forced, I would have selected.  They come from four of my favorite restaurants here on the island (granted three of them appear on the mainland as well). 

#1:  Margaritaville -  This Jimmy Buffett restaurant is one of my favorites and the menu item they offered was actually my favorite appetizer, the Volcano Nachos.  For the Spam Jam, they substituted their normal chili and made an offering that was created with Spam chili.  This was the closest I came to considering a taste. 

#2:  Duke’s – A favorite of the team and staff when we travel here each year, I’ve always been a huge fan!  We annually feast on my favorite breakfast of the entire season when the Bulldogs take on the Wahine.  Spam fried rice was the menu choice for this establishment.  It actually looked quite tasty although you really couldn’t put your finger on what the brown chunks were supposed to be in the rice. 

#3:  Cheeseburger in Paradise – This is another mainstay on each trip to Honolulu.  It serves as the postgame meal for the Bulldog women’s basketball team yearly.  My favorite is the Teriyaki cheeseburger with swiss and cheddar cheeses.  Delicious!  Spam sliders were served up faster than they could make them.  This booth had the largest line while I was there.

#4:  PF Chang’s:  I’m almost embarrassed to include this one since they are so present on the mainland.  I’ve only tried one appetizer at this chain and again, it proved to be the menu item dispersed last night.  Spam lettuce wraps were probably the second favorite item of the people I saw.   

SIGNING OFF:

So this is it.  My last entry.  My career as a journalist (let me pretend) is drawing to an end.  Here are my final thoughts:

I now realize that my dream of becoming the next Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, or Matt James is beyond my reach.  Although I’ve attempted to give a valiant effort . . . my wit, imagination, and keyboard have all failed me miserably. 

I would like to thank my boss, Mr. James, my parents, and my family and friends that always believed in me and my abilities.  Oklahoma Bud, my Jack Russell terrier, who taught me patience, Fresno State who took a chance on a unknown guy with a big heart, and, of course, the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz who showed me that you don’t necessarily have to have a brain to make it big in Oz. 

My favorite song of all-time is a Jimmy Buffett number called “A Pirate Looks at Forty.”  My favorite line in that song states, “. . . after all my years I’ve found, my occupational hazard being, my occupation’s just not around.”

So while I don’t know what my occupation truly may be, I can officially eliminate award-winning writer/blogger from the mix. In the meantime, I’ll continue my search for that career which will afford me financial independence and island living!

To remain consistent with previous offerings, I’ll give me global goodbye . . .

Auf Wiedersehen!

BFrank

 

First off, Brett’s career as a writer is far from finished. We will definitely bleed him for free labor in the future. And no matter what he says, he did a fine job. I would brag him up further, but I’m too distracted by the fact that he almost ate SPAM. Let’s be honest, it tastes the opposite of good. Is there a worst PR job in America than trying to market SPAM? Because of a Monty Python sketch, your product now has the same name as one of the most annoying, hated objects on earth, the unsolicited email. Oh, and there is also the fact that your product tastes awful. There are really two main areas that can ruin a food, taste and texture, and SPAM is one of those rare foods that actually fails both*. Say you were on a deserted island for seven or eight days, tired and cold and soaked. You have cuts on your hands and feet from climbing rocks and searching through the forest for berries or maybe the dead carcass of a bird. You’re drinking rain water from puddles. So my question is, if you came upon a case of SPAM from a shipwreck or maybe a flight crew who decided to lighten the load by tossing out the most disgusting thing onboard, how long would you search the rest of the island before you caved and ate the SPAM. I’m saying at least two extra days.

*Other texture/taste combination failures: cooked spinach, cooked cabbage, seared ahi tuna. I realize there are far more disgusting things eaten in this world than ahi tuna, which a lot of people really like. I probably should have just listed Sashimi, the more generic term for raw fish, but I have an ahi tuna story. Being from Kansas, you probably assume that pork chops with a cream sauce qualifies as exotic, but I like sushi rolls and love all sorts of seafood. I’m just saying, if you have a nice piece of halibut that will be quite tasty cooked, or just somewhat tolerable raw, why choose Door B? As Roy McAvoy asks his therapist in “Tin Cup,” “What would possess the guy standing on the shore to swim for it?” What possesses a person to eat the fish raw? You have a pan and a stove and a couple extra minutes. I’ve lost too much sleep about this already. Oh, yes, the ahi tuna story. The first time I ordered it at a restaurant, I wasn’t aware of the raw factor, so I ate the vegetables and noodles, took the tuna home and cooked it myself. Someone alert Jeff Foxworthy. We may have some material for him.

The official spelling of SPAM is all capital letters, but I’m having trouble finding an official ruling as to whether it’s an acronym or not. I used to live within driving distance of the SPAM museum in Austin, Minn., but could never build up the courage to go. I’ve read a couple places the original name was an acronym based on the main incredients: “Shoulder of Pork and Ham.” The ones people make up are much more fun: ”Something Posing As Meat.” “Spare Parts Animal Meat.”

Let’s try a couple of our own …

 - Some People Accept as Meat

- Served Proudly Alongside Meds

- Slimy Parts Are Memorable

That’s all I can come with on short notice. Another thanks to Brett. And thank you to you for coming along on his trip. Do not try the in-flight meal.

Brett Frank, our Fresno State tennis correspondent in Hawaii, is now reporting on food. And TV shows. He’s whiplashing from one subject to another. He’s using asterisks to insert useless information. In short, he’s stealing my act.

TV shows and food and useless information are the foundation of this web site, which was built all those dozens and dozens of hours ago. ‘Frank’ly, pun intended, it looks like a hostile takeover. But, he’s darn entertaining, so I think we should see how it plays out. If you come back in a week and the site re-routes you to BrettFrankBlog.com, you’ll know what happened.

Here’s his latest post, with a little art (see, I’ve already been relegated to guy-who-finds-pictures-on-the-web) …

Puka Dogs, Survivor, NBA Playoffs,

and Bulldog Tennis Aloha!

Day 3 is officially here and well, hmmm . . . Where to begin? I think today we’ll try a different format. Let’s do topics.

1. PUKA DOGS: These amazing little concoctions are a food lover’s dream! I’m told by the locals that the word puka means “hole.” Basically, these heaven sent delicacies are hot dogs that are placed into a bun that has a hole in the middle. For lack of a better visual, close your eyes and imagine giant sized “pigs-in-blankets” with one end still enclosed. Unfortunately, there is no adequate description for the way they electrify my taste buds. You see, these are not your typical dogs. There are basically four different decisions you will need to make while ordering your first puka dog. You will need to decide your favorite type of dog, condiment, relish type, and sauce. Trust me, this is not as easy as it seems. To the best of my knowledge, there is no basic mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup or relish on site. Instead, they have poured tastes of the island in the puka before inserting that all too familiar hot dog. For instance, I ordered the lilikoi mustard, sweet onion relish, ja lapeño dog. If it seems confusing, let me elaborate. Here’s how the process works: Step 1: Would you like a polish sausage or veggie dog? Step 2: Which garlic lemon sauce do you prefer? The options are mild, spicy (jalapeño),chili pepper, or habanero. Step 3: Which tropical relish floats your boat? Mango, coconut, pineapple, banana, papaya, star fruit, or sweet onion teriyaki. Finally, we come to Step 4: What kind of condiment do you prefer? The basics are lilikoi mustard or guava. You add all these together and you get an incomparable taste! For all you doubters out there please refer to Anthony Bourdain (Travel Channel) or Susie Brown (Food Network) who have seen this establishment showcased on their respective networks. I swear on all things holy, you must give it a whirl!

 

*this is not a note from Matt: While I know the new standard rule for Matt inserting his own footnotes for the blog was the symbol I just used, I will go on to say that Spicy, Lilikoi mustard with papaya is the current all-time most ordered favorite of Puka Dog. Both employee’s agreed that Spicy & Lilikoi were the way to go although the argument perused between sweet onion or star fruit. After sampling all options, I’m not willing to change my order.

2. SURVIVOR: So let’s call a spade a spade. I am a “Survivor” geek. I’ve somehow managed to follow every season of this so called reality television show. While some of my more memorable favorites (Johnny Dangerous, Rob and Amber, Sue Hawk, the bus driver, old man Rudy, Rupert, and Parvati) have provided hours of entertainment, I now have a new character that is amazingly memorable and uncontrollably irritable. He goes by the name “Coach” and his stories of escaping pygmy tribes, self proclaiming himself as the Dragon-Slayer and morning meditations have my nerves on edge. Can someone please get rid of this guy! He actually suggested to Sierra, a fellow contestant, that she dive on her own Samurai sword to leave the game in a noble fashion. Seriously, who is this guy??? It did bring a smile to my face to see a vital member of his “Warrior Alliance” blind-sided at last night’s tribal council. At some point in time, I’m hoping they take a page from the American Idol playbook and decide to let America have a say in who gets knocked off.

3. NBA PLAYOFFS: I’ve got to give some love to my Dallas Mavericks. What a great win after an embarrassing Monday night performance. I’m still hopeful Dirk and the boys have some magic left in them for one more playoff run. Let’s face it, they’re not getting any younger (if ever referred to again, this series will officially be referred to as the “Geriatric Games”) and it seems as if this may be their last hurrah.

4. BULLDOG TENNIS: So the clouds were heavy and the rain was falling sporadically throughout the day. That said, in roughly the same amount of time it took me to walk to Puka Dog, enjoy my meal, and then return to my point of origin, the Bulldogs disposed of San Jose State. With rain as the theme of the day, the Bulldog play on the court reminded me of a cumulus cloud. Those are the ones that seem to completely cover the sky in a thick rolling fashion. They closely resembled those spread out blankets in the from above when they first entered the UH Tennis Complex. The reaction from the other seven remaining teams was the same as you would expect to see a from a tourist who traveled to Hawaii expecting to enjoy the sun on an extended weekend vacation for the WAC Tournament. I say that partly in jest, but I figure it’s a way to get my point across. Consecutive 8-0 wins in doubles action combined with 6-0, 6-0 wins by Melanie Gloria and Renata Kucerkova and a 6-1,6-0 exclamation mark by Laura Pola had the Bulldogs off the courts in right at 75 minutes. The men team will take the court tomorrow for their initial appearance as quarterfinal action begins for the second seeded Bulldogs.

In hopes to remain consistently new and refreshing, and to irritate my new boss Mr. James, I’ll sign off with a simple “Do svi danya”

BFrank

This is a good reminder that I need to catch up on “Survivor.” It’s been too long since I cared about that show. I honestly haven’t watched since Rob and Amber got married, and speaking of, is it just me or have they already blown right through the over-under on how long those nuptials would last.

Seriously, if you buy a gift for a wedding whose participants met on a reality show, you might as well staple the receipt to the box. So kudos to Rob and Amber. I’m just imagining they opened a lot of gifts that cost less than $20.

Puka Dogs apprently inspired Brett to swear on all things holy, and that’s big. Lots of stuff is holy. Not to overstate it, but it looks like a food that could change your life. Or at least your afternoon.