Frank’s Island tennis report, Part IV
This is a sad day. We have arrived at our final Hawaiian WAC Tennis Tournament update from Brett Frank, full-time basketball coach, but more importantly, part-time entertaining blog correspondent. You may or may not have heard the Fresno State women’s team won the title this weekend in a wild, thrilling final. Brett’s back from Hawaii and I can’t wait to hear the full report.
I must admit I am slightly relieved there will be no more updates simply because my Roman numeral counting is somewhat limited, and we were getting close to having to change headlines. It’s a little like Spanish. I count really loud and strong, right up to about ocho, and then I start trailing off and mumbling. Major thanks to Brett for taking time to update us while on vacation. He did a great job. Enough stalling, here is Brett’s final report:
Bulldog Tennis, Spam Jam, and Signing Off Indefinitely
So I can take a hint. Cut the useless crap and entertaining sidebars that only I find humorous and get to the task at hand.
Here goes:
BULLDOG TENNIS:
Today was a very special day. I watched perhaps the most thrilling, edge of your seat, emotionally draining tennis match I’ve ever seen. I have been blessed to witness some unforgettable moments in matches (Pete Sampras’ regurgitation in the US Open, Jana Novotna’s total collapse at Wimbledon, and the stabbing of Monica Seles to name but a few) on television. I’m sure many of you have seen those as well. Additionally, I’ve had the good fortune of traveling to several professional events and seen many of the greats of the game in person. What I can tell you that you will find challenging to believe is that today’s women’s championship match will go down in my book as the one to top. I know, I know, it was only a day or two ago I was painting a picture of the Bulldogs sleepwalking through the WAC Tournament on their way to an eighth consecutive title. What I didn’t account for was a group of gritty and determined fighters from Boise.
The match began with little more than a yawn as Anastasia Petukhova and partner Renata Kucerkova once again breezed through their match to get the Bulldogs rolling. Melanie Gloria and Tinesta Rowe quickly followed suit and the Bulldogs were on the board with what would turn out to be the most critical point of the day for the Dogs.
You see, the Broncos decided it was their turn to carry the hardware home and came out of the gates in singles action like a Diamond Head eruption at its height of its storied destruction. In less than an hour, those unbeatable Bulldogs appeared to be limping to a fate that was unimaginable. The Broncos took first set leads in five of the six singles matches. More importantly, mainstays and nationally ranked players Melanie Gloria and Anastasia Petukhova were among the casualties of the slow start. Boise rolled on to straight set wins at #4 and #6 singles to take a 2-1. The lead was brief as Renata Kucerkova evened the match with a straight set win of her own. Next to finish was the upset of the day and the tournament as top Dog Melanie Gloria fell at the number one spot. The Broncos now had a 3-2 lead and were leading in the third set on both courts still in play. The cheers from the heavily supported Boise State backers.
While it was much closer than expected and both team efforts should be regarded with great respect, once again the Bulldogs proved they are the team to beat and a contender on the national scene.
*Okay, so I can’t resist the sidebar. A note to those who plan on spending seven hours in the sun for an outdoor tennis match. Please realize the sun is a damaging little thing. If there was any doubt which team I was supporting, the color of my follicly challenged scalp proved I was Bulldog RED!
SPAM JAM:
While walking from the team hotel back to mine, I had the great privilege of meandering through the 2009 Spam Jam. While early reports expected crowds of 8,000, this year’s event far exceeded all others to the tune of 10,000+ visitors and 200+ vendors. Live on-stage entertainment was provided at each end of the strip with various booths crammed like sardines (different type of canned meat, but too resisting not to make the association). If you live in a box and have never heard of Spam, I’m told it is a delicacy to the residents of Hawaii. More of the product is consumed here per capita than any other place in the world. I’ve never been big on trying this canned meat product and even though I was minutely tempted while enthralled in the moment, I managed to remain Spam free. I’m hoping that statement will not preclude me from ever becoming considered for a job in the profession.
Since I didn’t have the courage to actually try any of the recipes, I can’t tell you my favorite Spam item. Instead, I have decided to give you my top four that, if forced, I would have selected. They come from four of my favorite restaurants here on the island (granted three of them appear on the mainland as well).
#1: Margaritaville - This Jimmy Buffett restaurant is one of my favorites and the menu item they offered was actually my favorite appetizer, the Volcano Nachos. For the Spam Jam, they substituted their normal chili and made an offering that was created with Spam chili. This was the closest I came to considering a taste.
#2: Duke’s – A favorite of the team and staff when we travel here each year, I’ve always been a huge fan! We annually feast on my favorite breakfast of the entire season when the Bulldogs take on the Wahine. Spam fried rice was the menu choice for this establishment. It actually looked quite tasty although you really couldn’t put your finger on what the brown chunks were supposed to be in the rice.
#3: Cheeseburger in Paradise – This is another mainstay on each trip to Honolulu. It serves as the postgame meal for the Bulldog women’s basketball team yearly. My favorite is the Teriyaki cheeseburger with swiss and cheddar cheeses. Delicious! Spam sliders were served up faster than they could make them. This booth had the largest line while I was there.
#4: PF Chang’s: I’m almost embarrassed to include this one since they are so present on the mainland. I’ve only tried one appetizer at this chain and again, it proved to be the menu item dispersed last night. Spam lettuce wraps were probably the second favorite item of the people I saw.
SIGNING OFF:
So this is it. My last entry. My career as a journalist (let me pretend) is drawing to an end. Here are my final thoughts:
I now realize that my dream of becoming the next Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, or Matt James is beyond my reach. Although I’ve attempted to give a valiant effort . . . my wit, imagination, and keyboard have all failed me miserably.
I would like to thank my boss, Mr. James, my parents, and my family and friends that always believed in me and my abilities. Oklahoma Bud, my Jack Russell terrier, who taught me patience, Fresno State who took a chance on a unknown guy with a big heart, and, of course, the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz who showed me that you don’t necessarily have to have a brain to make it big in Oz.
My favorite song of all-time is a Jimmy Buffett number called “A Pirate Looks at Forty.” My favorite line in that song states, “. . . after all my years I’ve found, my occupational hazard being, my occupation’s just not around.”
So while I don’t know what my occupation truly may be, I can officially eliminate award-winning writer/blogger from the mix. In the meantime, I’ll continue my search for that career which will afford me financial independence and island living!
To remain consistent with previous offerings, I’ll give me global goodbye . . .
Auf Wiedersehen!
BFrank
First off, Brett’s career as a writer is far from finished. We will definitely bleed him for free labor in the future. And no matter what he says, he did a fine job. I would brag him up further, but I’m too distracted by the fact that he almost ate SPAM. Let’s be honest, it tastes the opposite of good. Is there a worst PR job in America than trying to market SPAM? Because of a Monty Python sketch, your product now has the same name as one of the most annoying, hated objects on earth, the unsolicited email. Oh, and there is also the fact that your product tastes awful. There are really two main areas that can ruin a food, taste and texture, and SPAM is one of those rare foods that actually fails both*. Say you were on a deserted island for seven or eight days, tired and cold and soaked. You have cuts on your hands and feet from climbing rocks and searching through the forest for berries or maybe the dead carcass of a bird. You’re drinking rain water from puddles. So my question is, if you came upon a case of SPAM from a shipwreck or maybe a flight crew who decided to lighten the load by tossing out the most disgusting thing onboard, how long would you search the rest of the island before you caved and ate the SPAM. I’m saying at least two extra days.
*Other texture/taste combination failures: cooked spinach, cooked cabbage, seared ahi tuna. I realize there are far more disgusting things eaten in this world than ahi tuna, which a lot of people really like. I probably should have just listed Sashimi, the more generic term for raw fish, but I have an ahi tuna story. Being from Kansas, you probably assume that pork chops with a cream sauce qualifies as exotic, but I like sushi rolls and love all sorts of seafood. I’m just saying, if you have a nice piece of halibut that will be quite tasty cooked, or just somewhat tolerable raw, why choose Door B? As Roy McAvoy asks his therapist in “Tin Cup,” “What would possess the guy standing on the shore to swim for it?” What possesses a person to eat the fish raw? You have a pan and a stove and a couple extra minutes. I’ve lost too much sleep about this already. Oh, yes, the ahi tuna story. The first time I ordered it at a restaurant, I wasn’t aware of the raw factor, so I ate the vegetables and noodles, took the tuna home and cooked it myself. Someone alert Jeff Foxworthy. We may have some material for him.
The official spelling of SPAM is all capital letters, but I’m having trouble finding an official ruling as to whether it’s an acronym or not. I used to live within driving distance of the SPAM museum in Austin, Minn., but could never build up the courage to go. I’ve read a couple places the original name was an acronym based on the main incredients: “Shoulder of Pork and Ham.” The ones people make up are much more fun: ”Something Posing As Meat.” “Spare Parts Animal Meat.”
Let’s try a couple of our own …
- Some People Accept as Meat
- Served Proudly Alongside Meds
- Slimy Parts Are Memorable
That’s all I can come with on short notice. Another thanks to Brett. And thank you to you for coming along on his trip. Do not try the in-flight meal.
April 28th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Not to burst your bubble, but I always thought it was “Spiced Ham”. I had it recently for the first time. Fried. Tasted like bologna.
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